Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires

By Staff Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers

DAMASCUS- If peace ended up a penthouse, it would feature a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight driving Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical progress-slash-luxury real estate property calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.

Yes, the man who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now set his eye on the Middle East. Instead of the same old Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are talking Damascus, the town Traditionally noted for historical lifestyle, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with sights of contested airspace.

"It will be tremendous. Remarkable!" Trump declared by using a leaked golf cart Zoom get in touch with, streamed from your Placing inexperienced within Mar-a-Lago's Scenario Bunker. "We've had stunning ceasefires in Syria. Many of the most effective. But now, we are setting up them with balconies."

Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour

The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca in a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and entirely out of place. Designed by Slovenian business Ivana & Sons, the tower features:

A a few-flooring Casino du Caliphate

The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation

A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour right up until the drone flies")

As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."

Eyewitnesses noted blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited ten decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, guaranteed, let's have An additional put the place American Guys can wear robes and simply call it diplomacy."

Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."

Ceasefire by Cabana

U.S. international policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though earlier negotiations failed less than the load of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's prepare is simpler: give Anyone a collection around the 72nd ground and comp their mojitos.

In line with documents posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal incorporates "luxury diplomacy":

Ceasefires brokered by towel boys

Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders

A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.

"This really is smooth electrical power," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal along with a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock requirements less diplomats and more minibar upgrades."

Exactly what the Critics Are Screaming

Intercontinental watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mainly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Interest pointed out, "It's not that Trump shouldn't open a tower within a war zone. It can be that he ought to end working with it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."

Joe Biden, when asked with regards to the challenge, replied, "You know, guy, I when rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"

Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."

Satellite Shots Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping

Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit uncovered that the lodge's landscaping varieties a giant Trump head obvious from Place, a characteristic being promoted as "desert-proof branding." The mustache is comprised of refugee tents plus the chin is… properly, classified.

Environmental teams have filed lawsuits immediately after obtaining the developing's gold plating mirrored a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established fire to a neighborhood melon cart.

"It can be not just unattractive. It's a war crime with curtains," explained Amnesty Worldwide's regional director.

The Melania Wing and also other Confusing Characteristics

Probably the strangest component with the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:

A silent atrium where by visitors may possibly ponder imprecise disappointment

A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local climate Manage set to "distant"

A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.

Area Syrians are Not sure what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-12 months-previous Ahmad, pointing to a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.

Marketing and advertising Technique: "For those who Bomb It, They may Arrive"

The advertisement marketing campaign, not too long ago leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:

"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is Forever."

An additional slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:

"A Tower So Big, Even Assad Has to Notice."

Public reception is wildly divided. A modern SnapPoll carried out inside of a hookah lounge demonstrates:

34% say "it'd stabilize the area"

29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"

eighteen% stated "the place's the closest elevator towards the West Financial institution?"

Trader Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"

The undertaking is by now attracting attention from international traders, which include:

A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as being a foreign minister

The Russian Guild of Oligarchs

And Trump Tower Damascus an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who mentioned he'll obtain 3 penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."

In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount will also consist of:

A Dollar Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances

A Topic Park Known as 'SanctionsLand'

And an Escape Home Dependant on the Iraq War

Comment Section Chaos

Over the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:

"Can't hold out to discover a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as opposed to rice."

User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:

"Last but not least, a hotel where by my PTSD may have flip-down service."

A different submit from @KuwaitiKardashian just questioned:

"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"

Diplomatic Domino Influence

U.S. officials stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Reports advise:

China may well open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad

Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk

And Elon Musk has allegedly made available to construct a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.

Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has provided to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Level Suite."

Last Feelings within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™

Within a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed in excess of the speakers:

"Damascus desired hope. It needed gold. It necessary a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave all of it 3. You might be welcome."

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